Husband: Last night, I had an awesome dream.
Wife: Really?
Husband: I dreamed I slept with the Mrs Wong next door.
Wife: Wow!
Husband: Do women have such dreams too?
Wife: Well, yes. What do you think Mr Wong and I were doing during your dream?
Husband: What present would you like for our 30th anniversary?
Wife: A walking stick.
Husband: Haha … I’d gladly buy one for you. What are you getting me?
Wife: Nothing.
Husband: Nothing?
Wife: Yes. But if I were you, I’d buy myself a suit of armour before the walking stick arrives.
Maid: Mam, sir is going on a business trip with his secretary.
Wife: Has he packed his bags?
Maid: Yes, Mam. Do you want to pack yours so you can follow them?
Wife: No. Just steal his Viagra.
Wife: It was so nice when we were dating.
Husband: Huh?
Wife: You used to share an umbrella with me when it rained.
Husband: The umbrella was big enough for the two of us back then. Not anymore.
Wife: My brother is coming to stay with us.
Husband: He can’t do that.
Wife: Why not?
Husband: We need him on the streets to keep the cops busy.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Yes
Wife: What have you done to show that you love me?
Husband: I sacrificed 40 years of happiness by marrying you.
Loafer A: I had everything – a nice house, a beautiful car, loads of money in the bank and gorgeous, sexy girl.
Loafer B: What happened?
Loafer A: I married her.
Wife: What have you been doing when I was busy with the ironing?
Husband: I’ve told you a million times, I was washing the car.
Wife: I saw you walk into Miss Hotbod’s house!
Husband: You didn’t ask me whose car I’ve been washing.
Wife: I could have been a star if I didn’t marry you!
Husband: What a pity. You missed the chance to get into Edison Chen’s photo album.
Husband: I’ll give you $1000 if you ask your mother not to come stay with us.
Wife: No way.
Husband: Why not?
Wife: My mother can squeeze more than $1000 out of you.
Wife: If I could turn back the clock, I would have eloped with my ex-lover on the day of our wedding.
Husband: If I could turn back the clock, I would have sent you off and paid for your trip.
Husband: What are you doing?
Wife: I’m praying to the spirits to help me win the lottery.
Husband: Good.
Wife: So I can leave you.
Husband: That’s great! Can I pray with you?
Husband: I swear I’ll never drink again.
Wife: So what if you do?
Husband: I’ll be struck by lightning, burn in hell, stoned to death ….
Wife: Swear when you’re sober.
Furniture shop: I’m sorry sir, we can’t deliver the bed you ordered so late at night.
Husband: I see. I was hoping that you guys could help me throw the old bed away – together with the one sleeping on it.
Before Mali got married, she kept threatening suicide until her husband married her. After their marriage, her husband threatened suicide.
Doctor: Mr Wong, your are suffering from hypertension, gastric ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, 50% hearing loss and depression. From this, I can tell that your wife is very healthy.
Man A: Come to my house for dinner.
Man B: Sure.
Man A: My house is just in front. And my wife must be mad at me.
Man B: How do you know?
Man A: The karang guni man who just walked past is carrying my hi fi set and fishing rods.
Man A: I don’t understand women.
Man B: I do.
Man A: How come? Your wife is the only woman you know intimately.
Man B: She has a dozen different personalities.
Wife: Love is sacrifice.
Husband : Yes, dear.
Wife: Love is unconditional.
Husband: Yes, darling.
Wife: Now give me all your money and go do the dishes.
Mother: Tell you a secret.
Son: Yes, Mum?
Mother: If not for you, I would have divorced your father long ago.
Father: Tell you a secret.
Son: Yes, Dad?
Father: If not for you, I would never have married your mother.
Son: Dad, I got rejected again.
Father: Son, girls these days are very smart. They are also pragmatic and independent.
Son: Were they dumber when you were young?
Father: Yep, dumb, gullible, silly. Just like your mother.
Son: Lucky you.
Father: What’s wrong?
Son: It’s my girlfriend. She’s always throwing tantrums.
Father: Wait till you get married. She’ll throw knives.
Son: Dad, it says in this book that you can never lie to a woman because her sixth sense will see right through it.
Father: Nonsense. Has your mother ever accused me of lying when we praised her cooking and tell her she hadn’t aged a bit since she was 30?
Mother: What happened to your father?
Son: He has been arrested by the police for beating someone up.
Mother: Your father has no enemies. Who did he beat up?
Son: An old friend.
Mother: He beat up an old friend?
Son: He said he was the one who introduced you to him.
Girlfriend: How much do you love me?
Boyfriend: I’m your Duke of Windsor. I would give up my kingdom to be with you.
Girlfriend: Go get your kingdom first.
Boyfriend: Yesterday, you said I’m your greatest love. Today, you wouldn’t talk to me. Women are so fickle!
Girlfriend: Yesterday, you were worth a fortune. Today, you’re penniless. The stock market is so volatile!
Boyfriend: Honey, I’m so glad that you’re back.
Girlfriend: I realise that I don’t want to be an SPG.
Boyfriend: You’ve finally come to your senses.
Girlfriend: Yes, the USD and Euro are no longer what they used to be.
Wife: This is a complete rip-off! He must be the most expensive dentist we’ve seen. Have you paid?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Why?
Husband: He performed a miracle.
Wife: He what?
Husband: He kept your mouth wide open without letting you talk. We need to see him more often.
Daughter: Mum, did you cry on your wedding?
Mother: Yes.
Daughter: Oh dear, but why?
Mother: I don’t know, but I stopped crying after settling into my new home.
Father: That’s when I started crying.
Man: I feel so small.
Psychiatrist: You felt that you’ve shrunk?
Man: No, everything around me was growing bigger.
Psychiatrist: Like what?
Man: My kids, my wife and my credit card bill.
Wife: I’m going out.
Husband: Where to?
Wife: The mall. Don’t ask me what I’m going to buy and there’ll be no fight.
Son: I’m going out.
Husband: Where to?
Son: Somewhere cool to dance and get drunk with friends. Don’t ask me for my report card and you won’t feel like getting drunk alone.
Wife: Mr Lee brought his wife to Europe.
Husband: Nice.
Wife: You’ve not brought me to Europe!
Husband: I’ll book the tickets tomorrow.
Wife: I don’t want to go to Europe.
Husband: I thought …
Wife: It’s useless going to Europe when Mrs Lee has already been there!
Neighbour: My dog had to be rushed to the vet after eating the steak you gave us yesterday.
Husband: I’m sorry. It was meant for me.
Son: Dad, it’s so sad. Why do people say that marriage is the tomb of love?
Father: That’s rubbish.
Son: Really? Nice to hear that.
Father:You rest in peace in a tomb. There is no peace in marriage.
Boyfriend: Your eyes are like the stars, my heart is like the moon.
Girlfriend: Are you done with poetry yet? Let’s have a look at your payslip.
Boy: Have pity on me. I’m begging for just a tiny morsel of your love.
Girl: You’re pathetic. Show me your house and your car and I’ll give you a whole tub of my love.
Husband: Hello, Tom. I can meet you at the pub now.
Tom: I thought your mother-in-law is in town.
Husband: I bought one necklace and the two women are now busy fighting over it.
Husband: Hello, Tom. Come over quick! My wife is going into the kitchen to get the cleaver!
Wife: Don’t you dare lock the door after I’ve gone out.
Husband: Where are you going with that cleaver?
Wife: Tom’s house.
Wife: I found this knife in your drawer. Are you planning to kill me?
Husband: Stop imagining things. I’m not a butcher. I’m a chemist. Cyanide takes so much less effort.
Friend: Your wife is so sickly. Have you been poisoning her?
Husband: Yes.
Friend: You bastard! What did you poison her with?
Husband: Slimming pills.
Wife: I’m tired of having straight hair.
Husband: Whatever.
Hairdresser: Sir, we’re going to give your wife some nice curls. I’m sure you’ll like them.
Husband: Whatever. As long as they cover her face.
Wife: This is the first time I’m going fishing with you. Aren’t you excited?
Husband: Yeah.
Wife: This river is not prone to flash floods, is it?
Husband: No. But whatever you do, don’t jump it.
Mother: This tortoise is 50 years old.
Son: No way.
Father: Your mother wasn’t pulling your leg. It’s her first pet.
Wife: Our neighbour keeps staring at me.
Husband: Ignore him.
Wife: What? Ignore him?
Husband: Give the blob a break. He’s found something that kills his appetite.
Wife: This bus is so horribly crowded!
Husband: Quit complaining and get on.
Wife: If I had married Peter, I would be riding in a limousine now.
Husband: If Peter had married you, he won’t have a limousine today.
Man: I feel like I’m henpecked.
Friend: Who makes the decisions in your home?
Man: I make the big decisions. My wife makes the small decisions.
Friend: That’s OK.
Man: My wife thinks that none of the decisions are big enough for me.
Wife: Getting yourself drunk again?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Do I still exist in your mind?
Husband: Of course. That’s why I’m getting myself drunk.
Man: Pastor Ang, why do you look so moody?
Pastor Ang: 90% of the marriages I solemnised over the last 30 years have ended in divorce.
Man: So sad.
Pastor Ang: I know.
Man: I feel so sad that you didn’t solemnise my marriage.
Wife: What would you do if I get kidnapped?
Husband: I’ll go to the bank and withdraw all my money.
Wife: Really? You would exchange your life savings for my safety?
Husband: I’ll give the kidnappers my life savings to make sure they won’t let you come back.
Policeman A: I was tasked to persuade the guy sitting outside his window at Block 123 not to jump.
Policeman B: I was tasked to persuade the guy sitting outside his window at Block 456 not to jump.
Policeman A: I told him his girlfriend may have dumped him but there are many other lovely girls out there. He surrendered.
Policeman B: Lucky you. My guy jumped.
Policeman A: Oh dear! What did you tell him?
Policeman B: I told him his wife is waiting for him at home.
Wife: I should have known that you are hopeless with women.
Husband: What makes you think so?
Wife: Not a single female friend on your side showed up at our wedding.
Husband: That’s because they were all at home crying.
© Chan Joon Yee
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